Anger

I have discovered most cancer patients go through an anger phase. They seem to be angry that they got cancer. They are angry at the cancer.  They question “Why me?” “What did I do wrong?” . I never went through that kind of anger. I had been screwed by genetics from birth. I got the bad health traits from each parent. I was the baby in the ER who couldn’t breath. I was being allergy tested when I was 7 which yielded endless pages of things I am allergic to.  All my life I have had dentists piecing my cracked teeth back together because I decided to eat something so wild as a soft pretzel. At the age of 24 asthma came along and landed me in the hospital along with the worst case of pneumonia the doctor had ever seen.  Cancer was very clearly in the gene pool on one side of the family and there was no doubt I was the offspring that was going to be getting that little package too. Okay I will admit I was a bit surprised it came on so early, but not surprised it hit me.

My anger is all wrapped up in how I was treated or more like mistreated. I was feeling pretty much normal until they butchered me while removing my kidney. I realize as the cancer spread eventually I would have been having pain and other problems, but I feel like that good time I had left was stolen from me. Now I’m discovering the rest of my life is going to be pain and living under the threat of kidney failure. Oh and lets not forget the threat of the kidney cancer coming back.

I’m not one of these people who think more time is the only thing that matters. I believe in quality of time.  Leaving a person mangled with parts not functioning reasonably to suffer with pain the rest of their life, but saying we think we got all the cancer is just not acceptable to everyone. Doctors need to learn that! Well then again maybe they do know that and that is the reason some hide such facts from patients. They don’t want the patient to say no that isn’t what I want. They think we should be praising them for what they did, because they removed the cancer. If I could go back to feeling like I did before that surgery and enjoy that feeling a little longer I would gladly take that cancer back. Actually I feel so horrid at this time I’m actually hoping the cancer comes back to end this misery. Yeah doc, you did a bang up job. You removed the cancer, but left the patient so sick that they are now asking for death. Brilliant work there doc!

All of this has left me with a big decision to make. Do I go for follow up appointments with another doc? At this point I just don’t trust any doctor who treats cancer. I feel they hyper-focus on the cancer and everything else in their path gets run over in the process. I don’t want any further treatment for any cancer that may pop up. Going for follow ups would mean I would have to fight with doctors and loved ones for my right not to treat. The reason I’m considering having a follow up is to see how bad the damage is. I am actually that angry that I would consider a law suit at this point and I have never had the urge to sue anyone in my life, but we are back to that lack of trust thing again. Would the next doc actually let me know how bad the noodle doc screwed up? I’m also wondering if I went to another doctor could they fix some of this mess. I still keep coming back to not trusting. I feel that if I went I would get nothing good out of it, but stand to get railroaded again.